Parenting a teenager is not easy, but neither is being a teenager itself.
Adolescence is a period of many challenges. One’s body begins to mature and becomes more adult-like, first romantic experiences take place, close friendships form, new hobbies develop, and many more changes occur. While on one hand, adolescents strive for autonomy from their parents, on the other, what parents say and think about them remains an important source of information (Grotevant & Cooper, 1985). Feedback from others is especially important during the teenage years, as it helps adolescents form their self-image – beliefs about themselves and their capabilities. Research shows that adolescence is a time of increased sensitivity to the opinions of others (e.g. Somerville, 2013). One of the biggest challenges of being a teenager’s parent is to help your child develop positive and accurate self-image. In this article, we will discuss why this is important and how parentscan help their teenagers achieve that.
Who is a confident teen?
When you bring to mind the word ‘confidence’, you might picture someone who is not afraid to voice their opinions, makes friends easily, or stays positive in the face of adversity. Confident teenagers trust that they will be able to overcome adversities and grow from situations they are in, regardless of the outcome. Confident teenagers are, thus, often individuals with positive self-esteem (Rutkofsky et al., 2021): ones who know their value, feel secure about their abilities, and consider themselves worthy (Ach & Pollmann, 2021). Individuals with high self-esteem recognize that they are worthy as people, they know their strengths and trust their skills (Milne, 2002).
Praise and Criticism
While being praised by their parents puts teenagers in a positive mood and is experienced as rewarding, parental criticism can have quite the opposite effect (van Houtum et al., 2022). In fact, receiving criticism from one’s parents may be experienced as a social threat and evoke negative emotions in teenagers (Harris & Howard, 1984). A recent study found that when adolescents received negative feedback about their personality (supposedly from their mother, but in fact manipulated by the researchers), their mood decreased after receiving parental criticism, especially when the content of the criticism was not in line with their self-view (van Houtum et al., 2022). The more criticism a teenager receives regarding a certain attitude or behavior (such as being lazy, selfish, or not studying hard enough), the more likely they are to perceive themselves as being that way (Harris & Howard, 1984). When persistent, parental criticism can foster a chronic negative self-image, which might put a teenager at risk of developing mental health problems, such as anxiety disorders (Gulley et al., 2014; Lee & Hankin, 2009). This highlights the fact that parents’ opinions matter, as they contribute to forming adolescents’ self-perception. So what can parents do to help their children develop and maintain positive self-esteem?
What can I do to help my teenage child?
Helping a teenager develop and maintain a positive self-view does not mean parents should praise their children all the time. In fact, building self-esteem is about way more than receiving positive feedback after succeeding – it tackles broader issues of believing in your worth and competence regardless of the outcomes (Bailey, 2003). The first step parents can take is to become aware of the impact their comments can have on their child’s self-esteem. One’s self-esteem can be understood as a “summary judgment” of things one can assess about themselves (Bailey, 2003). This information is gathered over time and from different sources (Pajares & Urdan, 2006), one of which is the opinions and comments of people we are attached to, such as parents (Shahzadi et al., 2023). Being aware that parents’ judgments are one of the building blocks of adolescents’ self-esteem can in itself make a big difference. Knowing that what you say affects how your teenager perceives themselves is the primary basis for knowing how to support your child’s self-esteem.
Further, to stimulate positive self-views in your teenage child, parents can base the feedback about their child’s actions directly on their behavior (McRae, 2023). For example, when your child explains a complicated topic they learned about at school, instead of judging their character and saying “You are so clever”, you could say “I like the way you explained this topic in detail. It’s clear you paid attention in class and understood it well”. That way your child will become better able to relate their qualities to their skills and gradually become less dependent on feedback from others (Barnes & Fives, 2016). When giving negative feedback, it is important to focus on specific situations rather than on your child’s personality as a whole. Imagine your child was inattentive and made a mistake while trying out a new recipe. They ended up making a huge mess and burning your favorite cooking pot. As frustrated as you are, try not to evaluate your child as a person. Rather, focus on this specific event. Research shows that feedback focused on performance (e.g. “It’s important to stay focused and follow the recipe closely”) is more helpful than negative person-focused feedback (e.g. “You’re so clumsy”), as the latter may be detrimental for adolescents’ self-esteem (McRae, 2023).
The most helpful feedback is realistic, such that what you say does not create illusions, but matches reality (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020). Realistic feedback helps adolescents gain a more accurate understanding of what they are and aren’t good at. Exaggerated praise, such as saying “You did so incredibly amazing” can do more harm than good (Brummelman et al., 2017). Research shows that exaggerated praise is related to lower self-esteem in children (Brummelman et al., 2017), possibly due to the pressure it creates, to always perform exceptionally well.
Moreover, feedback focused on growth can help adolescents learn how to reflect on their progress and what points can lead them to improvement and success (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020). Growth-focused feedback is about acknowledging your child’s success, but also highlighting the fact that they were successful thanks to their hard work. That means not solely focusing on outcomes, but paying attention to the effort your child put into achieving their goals and the growth they experienced (Barnes & Fives, 2016). Striving for self-improvement is considered a mark of self-esteem and helps persist in the face of challenges or failures (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020).
Last, but perhaps the most important thing is to accept your child for who they are and make sure they know you do. Unconditional acceptance helps foster positive self-esteem (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020). Parents who raise their children with unconditional positive regard (unconditional acceptance and support of their child) support their adolescent’s autonomy (Roth et al., 2015) and help them accept themselves even in the face of setbacks (Brummelman et al., 2014).
Take-Home Message
Raising adolescents is a challenging, yet rewarding experience. Openly communicating with your teenager and being aware of the impact of your feedback is the first step to supporting your teenager’s positive self-esteem development. Unconditional acceptance is an integral part of raising confident teens.
About the author:
Jagoda Jurewicz is a Psychology Research Master student and tutorial teacher at the University of Amsterdam. Her interests encompass the impact of childhood experiences on adult functioning and psychopathology, as well as the effectiveness of various psychotherapeutic approaches. You can visit her LinkedIn page here and her UvA profile here
References:
Ach, J. S., & Pollmann, A. (2021). Self-Confidence, Self-Assertiveness, and Self-Esteem: the triple S condition of personal autonomy. In Philosophical studies series (pp. 53–65). https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-80991-1_4
Bailey, J. A. (2003). The foundation of self-esteem. PubMed, 95(5), 388–393. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12793795
Barnes, N., & Fives, H. (2016). Creating a context for growth-focused assessment. Middle School Journal, 47(5), 30–37. https://doi.org/10.1080/00940771.2016.1226638
Brummelman, E., Nelemans, S. A., Thomaes, S., & De Castro, B. O. (2017). When parents’ praise inflates, children’s Self‐Esteem deflates. Child Development, 88(6), 1799–1809. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12936
Brummelman, E., & Sedikides, C. (2020). Raising Children With High Self‐Esteem (But Not Narcissism). Child Development Perspectives, 14(2), 83–89. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12362
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Walton, G. M., Poorthuis, A. M., Overbeek, G., Orobio de Castro, B., & Bushman, B. J. (2014). Unconditional regard buffers children’s negative self-feelings. Pediatrics, 134(6), 1119–1126. https://doi-org.proxy.uba.uva.nl/10.1542/peds.2013-3698
Silva, C. S., Martins, A. C., & Calheiros, M. M. (2021). Why do I think what I think I am?’: Mothers’ and fathers’ contributions to adolescents’ self-representations. Self and Identity, 20(8), 1015-1035, https://doi.org/1080/15298868.2020.1792338
Grotevant, H. D., & Cooper, C. R. (1985). Patterns of interaction in family relationships and the development of identity exploration in adolescence. Child Development, 56(2), 415. https://doi.org/10.2307/1129730
